Unsure how to give informal feedback at work? Here’s 4 ways to make your feedback more effective

We all love anonymous feedback forms because they spare us from having to look someone in the eye and tell them what we really think. 

This avoidance is of course understandable - we can all recall a time when someone tried to unsuccessfully change our behaviour. So why would we go through the same pain with someone else?

But the truth is, words on paper don’t change behaviour - conversation does. 

The only problem is we don't know how to have these conversations.

Your bad feedback is killing trust and innovation 

Giving good, regular feedback at work is fundamental to not only the growth of your people, but also your company culture. Despite acknowledging this many of us shy away from giving informal verbal feedback. Why? Perhaps you might recognise some of these blockers in yourself or your colleagues:

• The feedback is always negative and never solution focused 

• The feedback is about blame and focuses on what went wrong 

• The feedback leaves the receiver feeling unsupported and unclear how to move forward

• The feedback giver doesn’t know how to strike a balance between directness and empathy 

• The feedback giver ‘projects’ how the receiver will take the feedback 

• The feedback giver doesn’t want to be the “bad cop” 

• The feedback receiver has built up barriers against receiving feedback making them either defensive, despondent or fearful

Unfortunately regardless of what’s blocking you, the reality is that bad feedback is like a weed killer to trust, collaboration and innovation in your organisation.

So, would you like to hear our feedback to you?

You need to improve how you deliver verbal feedback.

If you want a flourishing business then you need to create a culture that empowers your people to grow. And that means incorporating more frequent, informal feedback outside of the quarterly review*.

*what use is there in giving feedback 3 months after an event has occurred anyway?!

What actions can you take next? 

The best feedback is reflective, succinct and action-orientated. So practicing what we preach, we’ve created a reflective, succinct and action-orientated cheat sheet with 4 ways you can give more informal and constructive feedback at work. 

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Four Ways to Give More Effective, Informal Feedback at Work

First, let’s understand what effective and ineffective feedback looks like:

Effective feedback is...

• Specific and focused 

• Clearly illustrated with specific examples 

• Based on measurable facts

• Collaborative and leaves time for receiver to ask questions

• Actionable 

• Frequent and ongoing

Ineffective feedback is...

• Vague and without specific examples

• Long and rambling 

• Delivering ultimatums or threats

• Unprepared 

• Only negative

• You doing all the talking

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Four practical conversational tools to give informal feedback:

1.Let the person take ownership of the feedback

Offering your feedback without consent is not an effective strategy because it creates a power dynamic that forces the receiver into a defensive position. 

A more successful tactic is to ask if the person would like to receive feedback. By allowing the person to take ownership over the situation it creates buy-in, thereby making the recipient more open-minded to your comments.

You could use phrasing such as:

“I noticed a couple of things and wondered if you would like to receive some feedback?”

Or,

“I noticed a couple of things and wondered if you were interested in me sharing what I observed?”

This phrasing has a casual, off-the-cuff style that is easy to implement whilst on the job.

2. Pre-frame why you are giving the feedback

A pre-frame is an introductory sentence that explains why you have decided to give the person feedback. This tool makes the feedback 40% more successful because often people like to know the agenda behind your words.

A successful pre-frame would look like:

“I’m giving you these comments because I have high expectations and I know you can reach them.”

Or,

“I’d like to give you some feedback because personally, I’ve benefited a lot from people giving me feedback.”

The reason why these pre-frames are so successful is because people are remarkably open to comments when they believe it’s intended to help them. By you using a pre-frame, it lets the receiver know that they’re not under attack, but that you want to support their progress.

3. Use the word ‘I’

It might sound obvious, but often when we feel conscious about giving feedback we replace the pronoun ‘I’ with more collective ones like ‘we’ or ‘one’, as they deflect the ownership of the words coming out of your mouth.

However, if you want to create a culture of trust and support, then you need to start owning the words you say.

To start recognising that what you say is only your opinion, you could say:

“This is how X came across for me…”

Or,

“When X happened, I thought it would be helpful if you tried…”

4. Use the SBI +A Model to give focused feedback

Key to the success of informal feedback is addressing specific behaviour. Yet too often when we give feedback we allow our emotions to get tangled up with our comments, thereby weakening its quality and potentially damaging the relationship.

This is where the SBI +A model comes in…

SBI +A stands for:

S - Situation

B - Behaviour

I - Impact

• A - Action

The SBI + A model is successful on three levels. Firstly, it helps the recipient to clearly understand the specific behaviour you would like to address and why. Secondly, it gives them an opportunity to reflect on their actions and consider what they could do differently. And lastly, it removes the potential for you to make assumptions that could damage your relationship.

How to use the SBI +A in your feedback conversation:

Situation 

Open the conversation by stating when and where you are referring to. Providing context to your feedback is important because it helps the recipient anchor the conversation.

For example:

“Yesterday afternoon in the meeting when we were talking about X”

Behaviour 

Next, describe the specific behaviour you want to address. 

At this step, it’s important that you comment only on the behaviour that you observed directly. This is because often we make wrong assumptions or judgements about another person’s behaviour. For example, don’t assume that a person made a mistake in the meeting yesterday because they didn’t prepare well enough. 

For example:

“Yesterday afternoon in the meeting when we were talking about X, I noticed that you made a comment about X which was incorrect.”

Impact 

Then articulate the impact that their action had on yourself and, if applicable, the wider situation. 

For example:

“Yesterday afternoon in the meeting when we were talking about X, I noticed that you made a comment about X which was incorrect. I felt embarrassed because the meeting was with a client and I’m concerned about how this will affect our reputation as a team.”

+ Action

Once you have addressed the specific behaviour and the impact it had, you can now turn to discussing how you can avoid it in the future by asking: 

“How can we avoid this happening next time?”

Or if you prefer, you can tell them specifically how to avoid it.

Note: the SBI +A model is also great for reaffirming positive behaviour. Excellence is idiosyncratic and cannot be learned by studying failure. Therefore you need to help someone understand what excellence looks like for them.

You can reaffirm positive behaviour by recognising the behaviour in the moment. This is important as it helps the person recognise their behaviour, anchor it and re-create it. 

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What action will you take next? 

We’ve given you a lot of food for thought, but the key to improving how you deliver verbal feedback is to break your learning down into manageable steps.

So to help you turn our inspiration into your action, we’d like you to consider 5 questions…

1. What three things would you like to experiment with? 

2. Now of those three things, which one will you commit to trying? It helps if you specifically set a date, time and place.

3. Next consider, what might stop you from using it?

4. What can you do to ensure that you do use it?

5. Now go ahead and make it happen!

The Social Introvert: the secret to not feeling drained when socialising

What would it feel like to walk away from more conversations buzzing rather than sapped of energy?

The truth is, whether you identify as an introvert or an extrovert, socialising is tiring for everyone. But feeling drained of energy doesn’t have to be your reality. Great conversations are in your reach when you understand why you get drained and how you can manage it.

So listen up introverts! We’re about to reveal why you feel drained when socialising and four ways you can manage it. Our tips are simple to understand and easy to action so you can have authentic and energising relationships with anyone.

First, let’s get definitions straight: the difference between extroversion & introversion

Have you ever seen an extrovert flitting around a party chatting nonstop without even a yawn? Well researchers believe that their social stamina is a result of them having a more active dopamine reward system. This means that extroverts thrive in social situations because they are energised by the possibility of rewards, for example making a new contact or getting the number of an attractive stranger.

Introverts on the other hand, have a less active dopamine system, which makes them find certain levels of social stimulation tiring. As a result, introverts are more likely to seek internal satisfaction rather than the external rewards found in social settings.

Note: we make this distinction not to claim that all extroverts are shallow and all introverts are deep, but because it’s helpful to understand what gives you energy and how you can create more of it.

Light-bulb moment: introverts need meaningful conversations

The key to you breaking free from tiring social situations is to learn not only how to manage your energy levels, but how to navigate draining conversation into topics that energise you. And we’ve got four tips to help you do that!

You’ll notice that the tips below are not just conversational tips, but mindset tools. This combination is important because the art of conversation is more than mastering language, but turning up in a conversation as your whole self. What does this mean? It means that knowing the best conversation starter will get you so far, but the key to having truly energising conversations is emotional intelligence.

It’s only by taking the time to understand your mindset (the stories you tell yourself and others about you) and develop the emotional language around it that you can begin to have less draining and more stimulating conversations.

1.Give yourself permission to be your authentic self

We’ve all been in that situation where you try and match someone else’s energy levels because you feel you must even though inside you’re crying to be alone. The reality is, the most draining thing you can do is not give yourself permission to just be you.

The key ingredient for introverts to not feel drained in social situations is therefore, authenticity.

If you’re feeling tired, that’s okay! Own your tiredness. And you can own it in two ways: i) state your needs to others and ii) do something about it.

i. Stating your needs to others

Stating your needs is helpful because it manages everyone’s expectations: you don’t get caught up trying to be someone else and other people know what you need from them. So the next time you’re in a social situation but don’t have the energy to contribute, try simply saying: “hey friends, I’m feeling a little tired right now, but I’m really enjoying listening to this conversation so am just going to take a backseat for a few minutes whilst I regain energy.” It’s guaranteed to be a win, win.

ii. Do something about it

If you need more time alone to recharge, your other option is to physically remove yourself from the social situation and recuperate in a bathroom, bedroom or outside. If it helps, think of it like a HIT exercise - 10mins socialising, 3mins resting. The benefit of breaking your socialising down into manageable chunks is that it helps you sustain your energy levels for longer.

Both of these are great tools for managing your energy levels because they give you the time to re-balance, and also pave the way to more meaningful conversations!

Meaningful conversations are often sparked when one person reveals their true self, which in turn gives the other person permission to do the same. You’ll probably find that as you own how you feel, other people will start to show you their true colours too. It’s in these moments of authentic connection that you will feel uplifted and re-energised.

2. Navigate draining chat to more energising conversations

As you’ve just discovered, what’s leaving you drained is not just the components of socialising (talking, listening and processing), but the lack of conversations that stimulate you. The trick therefore is to navigate conversations into topics that are more energising. The question is how...

Luckily, turning a conversation into something more meaningful doesn’t require a profound comment or high energy, but an insightful question that asks about someone’s unique experience of the world.

The easiest examples of this are: “what was that like?”, “what made you want to do X?” or “what is it about X that’s important to you?” By asking about a person’s experience, rather than the details of an event (who, when, where) you elicit fresh and insightful responses that lead to a more nourishing conversation. Too often we are asked the same question, we know the script like the back of hand. When someone asks a new question however, it makes us think. So start littering your conversations with questions like these and tap into meaning!

3. Just listening is powerful

We live in a noisy world, so when I’m in a conversation but feeling tired, I remind myself that listening to someone is one of the greatest gifts you can give. Being quiet and holding moments of silence in a conversation is powerful because it gives you both the time to look inward and retrieve new thoughts and perspectives on the world.

The mantra ‘listening is a gift’ is also useful to tell yourself when any unkind chatter enters your mind as it helps focus you on the external interaction, rather than the unhelpful internal conversation in your head.

Another helpful technique to become present in a conversation is to simply repeat the other person’s words in your head - or if you’re a visual thinker, attach images to what they are saying. This exercise is great for when you can feel yourself switching off!

4. Have conversations in smaller groups

It can feel frustrating when people are happily jumping in on top of each other but you need more space or silence to contribute to the conversation.

If this is the case, then next time you’re in a large group, give yourself permission to turn to the person next to you and start a smaller one.

You shine when you’re in a dynamic you feel comfortable in, so why not make yourself more at ease. Plus the chances are the person next to you will prefer this more intimate conversation too!

One last thing before I go: there is no magic pill, you are the pill

The real secret to not feeling drained when socialising is taking action - you can’t move forward by standing still! Even if you’ve read all of this article (high five if you have!), nothing will change unless you take action.

So my challenge to you today is to choose one tool you learnt here today and start practicing and playing around with it. It may feel odd or inauthentic at first behaving in a way you haven’t before - this is natural, but don’t let it deter you. Instead commit to your commitment to change!

Good luck.

Georgie and Team Trigger

Would you like to learn more conversational tools so you can become the person you dream to be?

Then check out Trigger’s 4-week Transformational Conversations Programme in London starting July 2019. It’s the only course that will give you the tools and confidence to authentically have conversations with anyone, anywhere.