TRIGGER THOUGHTS

A selection of conversational learnings and musings from the Trigger Team.

Conversation Tips Olivia Everist Conversation Tips Olivia Everist

Unsure how to give informal feedback at work? Here’s 4 ways to make your feedback more effective

We all love anonymous feedback forms because they spare us from having to look someone in the eye and tell them what we really think. 

This avoidance is of course understandable - we can all recall a time when someone tried to unsuccessfully change our behaviour. So why would we go through the same pain with someone else?

But the truth is, words on paper don’t change behaviour - conversation does. 

The only problem is we don't know how to have these conversations.

We all love anonymous feedback forms because they spare us from having to look someone in the eye and tell them what we really think. 

This avoidance is of course understandable - we can all recall a time when someone tried to unsuccessfully change our behaviour. So why would we go through the same pain with someone else?

But the truth is, words on paper don’t change behaviour - conversation does. 

The only problem is we don't know how to have these conversations.

Your bad feedback is killing trust and innovation 

Giving good, regular feedback at work is fundamental to not only the growth of your people, but also your company culture. Despite acknowledging this many of us shy away from giving informal verbal feedback. Why? Perhaps you might recognise some of these blockers in yourself or your colleagues:

  • The feedback is always negative and never solution focused 

  • The feedback is about blame and focuses on what went wrong 

  • The feedback leaves the receiver feeling unsupported and unclear how to move forward

  • The feedback giver doesn’t know how to strike a balance between directness and empathy 

  • The feedback giver ‘projects’ how the receiver will take the feedback 

  • The feedback giver doesn’t want to be the “bad cop” 

  • The feedback receiver has built up barriers against receiving feedback making them either defensive, despondent or fearful

Unfortunately regardless of what’s blocking you, the reality is that bad feedback is like a weed killer to trust, collaboration and innovation in your organisation.

So, would you like to hear our feedback to you?

You need to improve how you deliver verbal feedback.

If you want a flourishing business then you need to create a culture that empowers your people to grow. And that means incorporating more frequent, informal feedback outside of the quarterly review*.

*what use is there in giving feedback 3 months after an event has occurred anyway?!

What actions can you take next? 

The best feedback is reflective, succinct and action-orientated. So practicing what we preach, we’ve created a reflective, succinct and action-orientated cheat sheet with 4 ways you can give more informal and constructive feedback at work. 


Four Ways to Give More Effective, Informal Feedback at Work

First, let’s understand what effective and ineffective feedback looks like:

Effective feedback is...

  • Specific and focused 

  • Clearly illustrated with specific examples 

  • Based on measurable facts

  • Collaborative and leaves time for receiver to ask questions

  • Actionable 

  • Frequent and ongoing

Ineffective feedback is...

  • Vague and without specific examples

  • Long and rambling 

  • Delivering ultimatums or threats

  • Unprepared 

  • Only negative

  • You doing all the talking


Four practical conversational tools to give informal feedback:

1.Let the person take ownership of the feedback

Offering your feedback without consent is not an effective strategy because it creates a power dynamic that forces the receiver into a defensive position. 

A more successful tactic is to ask if the person would like to receive feedback. By allowing the person to take ownership over the situation it creates buy-in, thereby making the recipient more open-minded to your comments.

You could use phrasing such as:

“I noticed a couple of things and wondered if you would like to receive some feedback?”

Or,

“I noticed a couple of things and wondered if you were interested in me sharing what I observed?”

This phrasing has a casual, off-the-cuff style that is easy to implement whilst on the job.

 

2. Pre-frame why you are giving the feedback

A pre-frame is an introductory sentence that explains why you have decided to give the person feedback. This tool makes the feedback 40% more successful because often people like to know the agenda behind your words.

A successful pre-frame would look like:

“I’m giving you these comments because I have high expectations and I know you can reach them.”

Or,

“I’d like to give you some feedback because personally, I’ve benefited a lot from people giving me feedback.”

The reason why these pre-frames are so successful is because people are remarkably open to comments when they believe it’s intended to help them. By you using a pre-frame, it lets the receiver know that they’re not under attack, but that you want to support their progress.


3. Use the word ‘I’

It might sound obvious, but often when we feel conscious about giving feedback we replace the pronoun ‘I’ with more collective ones like ‘we’ or ‘one’, as they deflect the ownership of the words coming out of your mouth.

However, if you want to create a culture of trust and support, then you need to start owning the words you say.

To start recognising that what you say is only your opinion, you could say:

“This is how X came across for me…”

Or,

“When X happened, I thought it would be helpful if you tried…”

4. Use the SBI +A Model to give focused feedback

Key to the success of informal feedback is addressing specific behaviour. Yet too often when we give feedback we allow our emotions to get tangled up with our comments, thereby weakening its quality and potentially damaging the relationship.

This is where the SBI +A model comes in…

SBI +A stands for:

S - Situation

B - Behaviour

I - Impact

  • A - Action

The SBI + A model is successful on three levels. Firstly, it helps the recipient to clearly understand the specific behaviour you would like to address and why. Secondly, it gives them an opportunity to reflect on their actions and consider what they could do differently. And lastly, it removes the potential for you to make assumptions that could damage your relationship.

How to use the SBI +A in your feedback conversation:

Situation 

Open the conversation by stating when and where you are referring to. Providing context to your feedback is important because it helps the recipient anchor the conversation.

For example:

“Yesterday afternoon in the meeting when we were talking about X”

Behaviour 

Next, describe the specific behaviour you want to address. 

At this step, it’s important that you comment only on the behaviour that you observed directly. This is because often we make wrong assumptions or judgements about another person’s behaviour. For example, don’t assume that a person made a mistake in the meeting yesterday because they didn’t prepare well enough. 

For example:

“Yesterday afternoon in the meeting when we were talking about X, I noticed that you made a comment about X which was incorrect.”

Impact 

Then articulate the impact that their action had on yourself and, if applicable, the wider situation. 

For example:

“Yesterday afternoon in the meeting when we were talking about X, I noticed that you made a comment about X which was incorrect. I felt embarrassed because the meeting was with a client and I’m concerned about how this will affect our reputation as a team.”

+ Action

Once you have addressed the specific behaviour and the impact it had, you can now turn to discussing how you can avoid it in the future by asking: 

“How can we avoid this happening next time?”

Or if you prefer, you can tell them specifically how to avoid it.

Note: the SBI +A model is also great for reaffirming positive behaviour. Excellence is idiosyncratic and cannot be learned by studying failure. Therefore you need to help someone understand what excellence looks like for them.

You can reaffirm positive behaviour by recognising the behaviour in the moment. This is important as it helps the person recognise their behaviour, anchor it and re-create it. 


What action will you take next? 

We’ve given you a lot of food for thought, but the key to improving how you deliver verbal feedback is to break your learning down into manageable steps.

So to help you turn our inspiration into your action, we’d like you to consider 5 questions…

  1. What three things would you like to experiment with? 

  2. Now of those three things, which one will you commit to trying? It helps if you specifically set a date, time and place.

  3. Next consider, what might stop you from using it?

  4. What can you do to ensure that you do use it?

  5. Now go ahead and make it happen!

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Thoughts on Being Human Olivia Everist Thoughts on Being Human Olivia Everist

Stranger Story: Olivia

"Thanks" I say. I can shut the conversation down there. I'm not in a mood to talk. I'm in a mood for self-pity. Plus, the carriage is packed and I don't know how carefree I feel right now. People judge on the tube, right?"

Stranger Story:

Olivia - London - Friday 9.50am

"Thanks" I say. I can shut the conversation down there. I'm not in a mood to talk. I'm in a mood for self-pity. Plus, the carriage is packed and I don't know how carefree I feel right now. People judge on the tube, right?"


I was running late this morning. Sprinting through the station of sleepy commuters who don't understand how pressing my life is. Selfishly placing their bodies in my sprint path.

I tripped up the stairs, taking two at a time. Finally I placed one foot on the platform, and a few steps later I was on the train. Phew.

I'm hot. Like proper sweaty. Remnants of frustration & self-indignation are still slightly present. I know I shouldn't harbour these feelings. I chant to myself "mulling & stewing doesn't serve me". It doesn't quite work, so I reach for my fan instead and try waft the negative emotions away. I'm totally in my head. I daren't look at the other commuters. I'm not in a mood to engage. I feel slightly guilty for bringing this stereotype into the carriage on such a beautiful Friday morning. But oh well. Life's life and this is London.

"I like your fan." What? I look up. There's a girl sitting in front of me and she's looking right at me. I silently sigh. She's fresh faced and opened eyed. She's calm and present. Arghk she's what I want to be.

"Thanks" I say. I can shut the conversation down there. I'm not in a mood to talk. I'm in a mood for self-pity. Plus, the carriage is packed and I don't know how carefree I feel right now. People judge on the tube, right? They know you've never met before. That you don't know where the conversation will go - and that you will never meet again.

Then I think again. I want to live in a world where strangers can be friends; where connection can be fleeting but still mean something.

So I add: "a friend lost it for three days once & I cried."

And the conversation continued....into the fan she had as a little girl, their glamour, the history of fans and how in the 1800s they were a tool for flirting. I then pointed at some rolls of paper with green paint she had next to her. And from there the conversation spiralled into experiential art, quantum physics and biology.

We both got out at Kensington (Olympia) and I asked for her number. I walked on to work feeling lighter and grounded. Happy days.

What did I learn?

  • That all it takes is an observation/statement to spark a conversation

  • Conversations can take you out of your head and help re-balance your emotions

  • Be open, be kind, be generous. You never know where it will go

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Conversation Tips Olivia Everist Conversation Tips Olivia Everist

The Social Introvert: the secret to not feeling drained when socialising

The truth is, whether you identify as an introvert or an extrovert, socialising is tiring for everyone. What’s important to understand however, is why you get drained and how you can manage it.

So listen up introverts! We’re about to reveal why you feel drained when socialising and four ways you can manage it. Our tips are simple to understand and easy to action so you can have authentic and energising relationships with anyone.

What would it feel like to walk away from more conversations buzzing rather than sapped of energy?

The truth is, whether you identify as an introvert or an extrovert, socialising is tiring for everyone. But feeling drained of energy doesn’t have to be your reality. Great conversations are in your reach when you understand why you get drained and how you can manage it.

So listen up introverts! We’re about to reveal why you feel drained when socialising and four ways you can manage it. Our tips are simple to understand and easy to action so you can have authentic and energising relationships with anyone.

First, let’s get definitions straight: the difference between extroversion & introversion

Have you ever seen an extrovert flitting around a party chatting nonstop without even a yawn? Well researchers believe that their social stamina is a result of them having a more active dopamine reward system. This means that extroverts thrive in social situations because they are energised by the possibility of rewards, for example making a new contact or getting the number of an attractive stranger.

Introverts on the other hand, have a less active dopamine system, which makes them find certain levels of social stimulation tiring. As a result, introverts are more likely to seek internal satisfaction rather than the external rewards found in social settings.

Note: we make this distinction not to claim that all extroverts are shallow and all introverts are deep, but because it’s helpful to understand what gives you energy and how you can create more of it.

Light-bulb moment: introverts need meaningful conversations

The key to you breaking free from tiring social situations is to learn not only how to manage your energy levels, but how to navigate draining conversation into topics that energise you. And we’ve got four tips to help you do that!

You’ll notice that the tips below are not just conversational tips, but mindset tools. This combination is important because the art of conversation is more than mastering language, but turning up in a conversation as your whole self. What does this mean? It means that knowing the best conversation starter will get you so far, but the key to having truly energising conversations is emotional intelligence.

It’s only by taking the time to understand your mindset (the stories you tell yourself and others about you) and develop the emotional language around it that you can begin to have less draining and more stimulating conversations.

1.Give yourself permission to be your authentic self

We’ve all been in that situation where you try and match someone else’s energy levels because you feel you must even though inside you’re crying to be alone. The reality is, the most draining thing you can do is not give yourself permission to just be you.

The key ingredient for introverts to not feel drained in social situations is therefore, authenticity.

If you’re feeling tired, that’s okay! Own your tiredness. And you can own it in two ways: i) state your needs to others and ii) do something about it.

i. Stating your needs to others

Stating your needs is helpful because it manages everyone’s expectations: you don’t get caught up trying to be someone else and other people know what you need from them. So the next time you’re in a social situation but don’t have the energy to contribute, try simply saying: “hey friends, I’m feeling a little tired right now, but I’m really enjoying listening to this conversation so am just going to take a backseat for a few minutes whilst I regain energy.” It’s guaranteed to be a win, win.

ii. Do something about it

If you need more time alone to recharge, your other option is to physically remove yourself from the social situation and recuperate in a bathroom, bedroom or outside. If it helps, think of it like a HIT exercise - 10mins socialising, 3mins resting. The benefit of breaking your socialising down into manageable chunks is that it helps you sustain your energy levels for longer.

Both of these are great tools for managing your energy levels because they give you the time to re-balance, and also pave the way to more meaningful conversations!

Meaningful conversations are often sparked when one person reveals their true self, which in turn gives the other person permission to do the same. You’ll probably find that as you own how you feel, other people will start to show you their true colours too. It’s in these moments of authentic connection that you will feel uplifted and re-energised.

2. Navigate draining chat to more energising conversations

As you’ve just discovered, what’s leaving you drained is not just the components of socialising (talking, listening and processing), but the lack of conversations that stimulate you. The trick therefore is to navigate conversations into topics that are more energising. The question is how...

Luckily, turning a conversation into something more meaningful doesn’t require a profound comment or high energy, but an insightful question that asks about someone’s unique experience of the world.

The easiest examples of this are: “what was that like?”, “what made you want to do X?” or “what is it about X that’s important to you?” By asking about a person’s experience, rather than the details of an event (who, when, where) you elicit fresh and insightful responses that lead to a more nourishing conversation. Too often we are asked the same question, we know the script like the back of hand. When someone asks a new question however, it makes us think. So start littering your conversations with questions like these and tap into meaning!

3. Just listening is powerful

We live in a noisy world, so when I’m in a conversation but feeling tired, I remind myself that listening to someone is one of the greatest gifts you can give. Being quiet and holding moments of silence in a conversation is powerful because it gives you both the time to look inward and retrieve new thoughts and perspectives on the world.

The mantra ‘listening is a gift’ is also useful to tell yourself when any unkind chatter enters your mind as it helps focus you on the external interaction, rather than the unhelpful internal conversation in your head.

Another helpful technique to become present in a conversation is to simply repeat the other person’s words in your head - or if you’re a visual thinker, attach images to what they are saying. This exercise is great for when you can feel yourself switching off!

4. Have conversations in smaller groups

It can feel frustrating when people are happily jumping in on top of each other but you need more space or silence to contribute to the conversation.

If this is the case, then next time you’re in a large group, give yourself permission to turn to the person next to you and start a smaller one.

You shine when you’re in a dynamic you feel comfortable in, so why not make yourself more at ease. Plus the chances are the person next to you will prefer this more intimate conversation too!

One last thing before I go: there is no magic pill, you are the pill

The real secret to not feeling drained when socialising is taking action - you can’t move forward by standing still! Even if you’ve read all of this article (high five if you have!), nothing will change unless you take action.

So my challenge to you today is to choose one tool you learnt here today and start practicing and playing around with it. It may feel odd or inauthentic at first behaving in a way you haven’t before - this is natural, but don’t let it deter you. Instead commit to your commitment to change!

Good luck.

Georgie and Team Trigger

Would you like to learn more conversational tools so you can become the person you dream to be?

Then check out Trigger’s 4-week Transformational Conversations Programme in London starting July 2019. It’s the only course that will give you the tools and confidence to authentically have conversations with anyone, anywhere.

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TC-HQ Olivia Everist TC-HQ Olivia Everist

How To Talk To Strangers About Environmental Issues

Talking about environmental issues can sometimes feel like walking through a landmine, particularly when it’s with strangers. The potential to offend, provoke or polarise lurks behind every sentence.

Yet despite this, something powerful happened at our April event, Catalysing Conversations for World Earth Day

Talking about environmental issues can sometimes feel like walking through a landmine, particularly when it’s with strangers. The potential to offend, provoke or polarise lurks behind every sentence.

Yet despite this, something powerful happened at our April event, Catalysing Conversations for World Earth Day

We removed the labels people give to themselves and others.

“I’m a liberal” | “I’m a vegetarian” | “I’m a banker”

In fact the only label we asked people to reveal was their name, which they put on a sticky label.

After that, we prevented identity-revealing probes like “so what do you do?” from entering the conversation by leading attendees through a Conversation Menu packed with curious questions to consider together (sneak peak below).

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And it was by this simple act of removing the labels we too often use to symbolise our identity and values that we were able to powerfully change the nature of the conversation, despite the sensitive topic.

How? Because being label-less gives you permission to explore your thoughts without being held to account.

No longer are you expected to conform to one rigid perspective or police yourself to speak as a particular dogma. Instead you are free to play with new ideas, dream or doubt and ultimately widen your understanding of the world.

Our challenge to you

Society today can feel polarised by creed and politics and for many this experience of talking to strangers about challenging topics like environmental issues is very new.

But we need more conversations like this ✊

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The world *needs us* to approach our fellow humans more often with fresh eyes.

Which is why we challenge you today to meet strangers with curiosity, not judgement and to question to understand, not rebuke.

🔥 Do you think you can do it?

(We’ve shared below some of the questions on the Conversation Menu. Feel free to use them as conversation triggers!)

What was on the Conversation Menu

We’ve shared some of the questions from the event because not knowing what to say is often the biggest hindrance to starting conversations around important, but challenging topics.

When using these questions, it’s important to remember that the best conversations…

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Question to learn

Listen to understand

Play to remember you’re free

Laugh to feel good

And lastly, are just curious.

We hope these questions catalyse change with your friends, family, organisation, school or even with strangers.


Catalysing Conversations for World Earth Day

Canapes

- Light Tummy Ticklers -

What ecosystems are you part of? What impact do you have in them?

Starter

- Getting Heavier -

What features of our working lives disconnect us from the natural world?

Main Course

Meat

- Deep & Thoughtful -

To what extent do we need to rebuild our social fabric first before we can successfully tackle environmental issues?

Fish

- Controversial -

What privileges would you be prepared to sacrifice in order to save the planet?

Vegetarian

- Nourishing -

What might we learn from ancient wisdom and indigenous traditions to help urban dwellers connect more deeply with and care for the environment?

Dessert

- Sweet & Delightful -

Which sustainable values, behaviours and qualities do you want to see in your community?

Cheese

- Playful -

Name 1 sustainable goal you’d like to work towards. Offer advice and resources to help one another achieve them.

Coffee

- Reflective & Stimulating -

What one action will you commit to today?

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What Happens When You Adopt a Neophile's Mindset

In National Conversation Week, we invited 40 strangers to explore, using our conversation menu, the serendipity of neophilia – or in other words, the wonderful surprises that arise from new conversations with strangers. And here’s what happened…

In National Conversation Week, we invited 40 strangers to explore, using our conversation menu, the serendipity of neophilia – or in other words, the wonderful surprises that arise from new conversations with strangers. And here’s what happened…


At the end of the evening, someone announced:

“I usually probably would’ve avoided a lot of you!”

And a sound of knowing laughter rippled the room.

Only 2 and half-hours earlier we’d been total strangers. We’d each arrived knowing (mostly) no one and possibly had had similar thoughts run through our own minds.

Yet despite our biases (conscious or not), we witnessed around the second course that it was difficult to draw everyone away from their conversations. 

Maybe it was because of the brilliant questions (evidently!) or maybe it was something deeper… that people were discovering the empowering joy that comes from skipping the small talk and stepping outside their comfort zone in order to connect with the world around them.

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Unlearning the Advice: “Don’t talk to strangers”

I believe we need to get more comfortable with being uncomfortable - but it’s hard to when the world daily presents us with unpredictability that shakes our stability.

From a young age we’re told, “don’t talk to strangers” and it’s a warning that unconsciously seeps into our being and shapes our interactions with the world.

Instead of being exciting doors to unlock, strangers are unknowns to be avoided; unidentifiable bodies that threaten to challenge and disrupt the world around us.

So rather than going to greet the unknown, we alternatively retreat and search for islands of predictability that confirm our beliefs and make us feel safe. 

But I wonder, who ever grew from predictability?

Diversity Helps Us Grow

Studies have shown that exposing yourself to diversity expands your thinking: it challenges your biases, widens your understanding, creates more empathy and unleashes creativity.

Of course it can feel vulnerable or be difficult for the ego to challenge its beliefs, but when we become willing to embrace the unknown we open ourselves up to an array of wonderful possibilities.

And that’s exactly what we did at our March event, Trigger Conversations on the Serendipity of Neophilia.

 

The Serendipity of Neophilia

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‘Neophilia’ is a lover of the new – the kind of person that would swap repeating their elevator pitch for novelty, change and discovery any day.

It’s the mindset we (the Trigger team) try and approach the world with everyday. We believe there’s magic in the mundane, we just have to look for it. And when we go looking, we often engineer serendipity too.

Serendipity is the art of making discoveries by accident. Whilst we can’t plan these moments, we can develop the conditions for them to evolve by opening our eyes to the unexpected.

Everyone is interesting. Yet too often we walk around expecting others to prove it to us. But it’s not up to them to prove it you – it’s up to you to find it in them.

And it’s by approaching the world with this open-mind that you can start to shake up the mundane everyday and find new serendipitous excitements anywhere – because it’s everywhere.

It’s with this philosophy that our question curator, Derek and chief curioso, Georgie, developed a conversation menu for our March event.

The Result?

40 strangers who discovered that when you skip small talk and have meaningful conversations with strangers, it can lead you to:

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· Discover a new idea

· Have a fresh perspective

· Reflect and reshape how you see the world 

· Connect deeply with someone new

· Discover you are more similar than you are different

· Turn a mundane Thursday night into something magic

· And ultimately, remind you that you belong, everywhere


Oh, and curious what was on the menu? Here’s a taster… 

Canapés

- Light Tummy Ticklers -

Talk about a characteristic of yourself you most appreciate.

Starter

- Getting Heavier -

What is something you enjoy now that you never used to? 

Meat

- Deep Conversation -

Is there a value or principal you don’t currently hold that could substantially change your life and the lives of others around you?

Fish

- Controversial Conversation -

Do you feel the world is heading in a generally positive, or generally negative direction? 

Vegetarian

- Nourishing Conversation -

What kind of people would you like to meet more of? 

Dessert

- Sweet and Delightful -

How have you surprised yourself this year? 

Cheese

- Games! -

Take turns to say things you have never said out loud before, true or made up! 

Coffee

- Reflective & Revitalising -

What insight from this evening would you most like to take action on?

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Trigger Tribe Stories: Karam

Karam from Sho.Me committed to taking the leap from consultancy to entrepreneurialism after a session with one of Trigger’s life coaches. We caught up with him to find out how he made his dreams a reality and what advice he’d give aspiring entrepreneurs.

“Get out there and talk about your idea to help you put your thoughts into action! It can be someone close to you or even a stranger.”

Trigger Tribe Stories: Karam

Karam is a travel addict whose adventures around the world and consulting experience led him to found his business, Sho-Me, a platform that helps hotels bring digital on-board to improve the guest stay and experience in a new country.

Yet the decision to make the move and leave the comforts of his day job wasn’t easy.

However after a serendipitous session with one of Trigger’s life coaches on the Transformational Conversations Programme, Karam decided to take the leap into entrepreneurialism.

We caught up with him to find out how he made his dreams a reality…


Firstly, at Trigger we know you’re more than your work-label, so tell us…

What are your favourite topics of conversation? 

Science, religion, politics, business, human psychology, human connections and intimacy ... lots of topics, anything that can help me learn and grow.

What’s your conversation superpower? 

I've been loving the question: "what more do you want to say, do or feel?". Whenever I use it I find I’m able to connect more deeply with others and understand their desires.

What is most important to you right now? 

I'm about to launch my own business, so I’m quite focused on the journey and on the personal growth that I will gain.  

Now congrats is in order - you’re setting off to launch your own business! We’d love to hear about the kinds of conversations you had whilst making this decision.

Did you face any challenging or serendipitous conversations?

One of the hardest yet most serendipitous conversation was with one of the life coaches on the Transformational Conversations Programme. I was struggling to take the decision to leave the comfort of my day job and embark on the opportunity to start my own business, but by them asking the right questions it helped me take the decision confidently and actually talk more about the decision with others!

 

Did you have any uplifting conversations? If so, how did they come about? 

Yes, I had an uplifting conversation with my previous employer. When I shared my plans with him, he was supportive and offered to help me throughout the journey if needed.

 

What advice would you give for others who are wanting to start a new adventure, but are not sure how to broach the conversation with their employers, colleagues, friends or family?

1.) Get out there and talk about your idea to help you put your thoughts into action!

It can be someone close to you or even a stranger. I say this because being confident that this opportunity is the right one at the right time for you is hard and there’ll always be doubt if you are doing the right thing. Talking is great because it helps you commit to your actions and move forward.

2.) Try and have something material before you leave your job

I've been working on developing my idea for two years before I felt it reached a point in time where I could actually quit and focus on it.

3.) Maintain positive relationships - you never know when they’ll come in handy

Starting a business has risks and at times you will need a safety net to fall into, so maintain positive relationships with your past employers, friends and family - plus they might even become your future customers.

4.) Be authentic in your conversations about your plans

People will be happy for you and supportive of your decision. They might even provide you with contacts, be your client or help you whenever you need it!

Lastly, we’re curious to know - after graduating from the Transformational Conversations Programme what effect has transforming your conversations had on your life?

It gave me more confidence to talk to anyone and helped me take my conversations to different level by connecting with others in ways I rarely used to.

What has been the most useful conversational tool you learnt?

Listening and giving the space for others to speak their mind: it’s allowed me to be there for others when they needed it the most.

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A Short Story On: The Serendipity of Being a Neophile

Ahead of National Conversation Week (March 18th), Trigger Conversations explores the serendipitous adventure of talking to strangers.

I’d like to offer you a short story…

Along the path of life we each collect a rucksack of interpretations, experiences and perspectives.

Then one day something magical happens.

We meet another human and decide to dig into our rucksack, pulling out a piece of our inner world.

The other human looks at it curiously, pausing with consideration before pulling something out from theirs.

Some minutes pass by as you both stand there hands outstretched offering each other your piece of the world.

Finally after some looking, playing and questioning you each put back your pieces - except this time they’re slightly different.

Before turning to part ways, you look at each other and smile in the delight of experiencing real human connection and knowledge that you’ve just learnt, grown and evolved a little more.

The moral of the story?

When you take a moment to share your inner world with another human you embark on an adventure of discovery into who you are and how you see the world. Thereby making life just that bit richer.  


In National Conversation, Trigger Conversations is inviting 30 curious strangers to come and experience our much-loved Conversation Menu themed around the serendipity of neophilia - or in other words, the wonderful surprises that arise from new conversations with strangers.

Why celebrate this?

Conversations with strangers can be more than just boring responses to the same old question: so what do you do? They’re an adventure into the unknown filled with untapped discoveries, insights and opportunity.

Yet, too often we let this potential go to waste.

We choose not to talk to strangers because it’s uncool and not normal or when we do we let ourselves get stuck in small talk.

But what if we started taking risks?

Curious? Book your ticket now

Trigger Conversations on the Serendipity of Neophilia

Thursday, March 21st

6.30 - 9.30pm

Work.Life Camden, London

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TC-HQ Olivia Everist TC-HQ Olivia Everist

Talking to Strangers About the Dark and Light of Love

On the eve of Valentine’s Day, 33 curious strangers committed to leaving small talk at the door and enter into a world of deep and meaningful conversation on the theme of love.

Their quest? To listen, laugh and understand a little better their fellow human. Their discovery? That they belong anywhere - all it takes is a conversation.  

On the eve of Valentine’s Day, 33 curious strangers committed to leaving small talk at the door and enter into a world of deep and meaningful conversation on the theme of love.  

Their quest? To listen, laugh and understand a little better their fellow human. Their discovery? That they belong anywhere - all it takes is a conversation.  


Why talk to strangers about your intimate desires?

Love is more than just a matter of swiping right. It’s complex: a word that encompasses not only one’s love for a partner or child, but that of a friend, the world, an inanimate object or even the self.

And for such a complex subject too often do we turn to Google, Hollywood or a close confident to help us understand the intimate affairs of the heart.

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But at Trigger we like to do things a bit differently!

See we believe that with the power of conversation you can grow a little more, understand a little deeper and ultimately, feel that you belong just the way you are.

But we don’t mean any kind of conversation. We’re talking, conversations with strangers.

So doing what we do best, Trigger Conversations invited 30 strangers on the eve of Valentine’s Day to leave their work labels and small talk at the door and surrender their whole-self to our conversation menu.

Curated by our conversation coach, Georgie Nightingall and experience designer, Derek Kirkup, the 10-course menu was designed to explore the dark and light of love.

The menu began with soft conversations-on-love-you’d-have-with-your-mum and slowly progressed into deeper topics, including more taboo subjects like polyamory, sex and BDSM. It ended – like all good meals do – with coffee to revitalise and stimulate the mind to consider how we’d like to act on our learning’s this evening.

To ensure each stranger was exposed to a myriad of different thought and character, we paired them with a new person at each course.

What was the result?

Well, we could tell you the bland response – that 100% of participants surveyed would recommend us to a friend or that we had a customer satisfaction score of 92% - but that’s not particularly interesting.

Instead, I’d like to let this one comment from a participant do the talking:

“My expectations were exceeded! So much honesty!”


So, what makes Trigger Conversations so special?

It’s simple really.

Too often we allow our labels to define us.

“I’m a lawyer” | “I’m a runner” | “I’m a mother”

When we use these labels (both to ourselves and others) we define who we are and how we must behave.

And it’s by defining that we confine who we can become.

We nip our wings and prevent ourselves from flying as high and as randomly as we dare.

However.

When we enter into label-less spaces with strangers and explore new conversations, we become free.

We are no longer expected to act in a certain way. You’re presented with an opportunity free of judgment to be and explore who you want to be.


Oh and you’re probably curious as to what was on the menu? Here’s a peep…

 

Trigger Conversations on the Dark and Light of Love

Canapés

- Light Tummy Ticklers -

What are the different kinds of love you have experienced?

 Starters

- Getting Heavier -

 What forms of self-expression have made you feel most free? 

Meat

- Relationship with our Parents -

What do we tolerate from our family that we might not tolerate from friends or a lover? 

Fish

- Open-Relationships & Polyamory -

What would a polyamorous society look like?

 Vegetarian

- Is love a game of Strategy or Serendipity -

How has serendipity related to your love life? 

Gluten-Rich

- Technology and our Relationships -

How has technology affected the depth of your relationships? 

Vegan

- Sex, Masturbation and Power -

Should all forms and expressions of love be accepted in society? 

Desert

- Other Expressions of Love -

Have you ever felt more passionate about a topic, object or activity, than you have about someone close to you?

Choice of Two Cheeses

Blue Cheese

- Risqué Tasks -

Take turns to share something you would like to do with or to the other person. The other person must answer ‘yes’ or ‘ok’ to your request. (Important: No one takes action on what is said). See how it feels! Then take turns to answer ‘no’ each time.

Mozzarella

- Playful Tasks -

Describe 3 attributes you love about yourself to your partner.

Coffee

- Revitalising, Stimulating Reflective -

What aspects of yourself do you need to express more freely?

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Trigger Tribe Stories: Haneen

Haneen from Unforbidden shares how conversation enabled her to shift from solicitor to sensual supper clubs. In this interview she explains how conversations engineered serendipity and landed her this new role, along with advice on how you can too.

“I would ask questions that don’t just revolve around someone else’s journey.  Everyone’s path is different. Focus on questions around mindset, motivation, industry tips, and perhaps who they can connect you with etc.”

Trigger Tribe Stories: Haneen

The tale of a young woman who used conversation to change her path from Solicitor to Sensual supper clubs.

Brought up in Dubai, Haneen moved to the UK in 2009 to study Law at the University of Bristol before going on to secure her training contract with a city firm in London.

As a dance addict, interested in travel, trekking, nutrition and yoga, Haneen felt disillusioned by corporate life. Inspired by her friends, Haneen decided to make the leap into start-up life with a company called Unforbidden after she qualified as a solicitor in August 2018.

Today, Haneen shares how conversation helped her engineer serendipity and find the job that filled her with joy, along with advice on how you can too.


Going from Law to Unforbidden is quite the turn in adventure, could you tell us about what prompted this change?

It was a combination of three things!

1.) The fact that my training contract was coming to an end, so there was a natural break in the career that made me at least question what alternative paths are out there 

2.) An underlying feeling that law wasn’t really ‘me’. I didn’t suit corporate life, the rigidity of hours, face time culture etc - the work as well just didn’t get my blood pumping with excitement.

3.) An opportunity through sheer serendipity! I met Tom - the co-founder of Unforbidden - through a friend (she knew I was interested in spiritual-wellness fields and connected us). Tom was looking for a founding employee to head up this exciting startup, curating events in spirituality sensuality and sexuality. It was SO me, and such a holistic/entrepreneurial role that I knew I couldn’t turn it down. 

I turned down Associate job offers, and took the leap - the rest is history!

“Conversations about my contemplated career change also made me feel a lot more accountable to my intention. I had more motivation to keep exploring.”  

Could you tell us about the kinds of conversations you had whilst making this change?

Wow, there was so much conversation. Where to begin?

I am lucky most of my friends are self-employed entrepreneurs, so conversations with them were always empathetic and supportive. They made me feel as though the leap was within grasp, that fear was normal, that life was short. I was inspired. After all, they had gone through the same experience.

They also served as great questioners. What brought me joy? What suffering do I choose? Did I really want to quit law or just the environment? What are my values? I was encouraged to think deeply about this fork in the road, and follow my curiosity. 

Conversations about my contemplated career change also made me feel a lot more accountable to my intention. I had more motivation to keep exploring.

Friends also connected me to relevant communities or contacts, which sparked even more conversation and introspection.

Most of my conversations were with friends. Conversations with people at work were more law-focused (naturally). I couldn’t exactly admit I was considering fields outside of law!

Similarly, my family would have been mildly concerned (to put it lightly) about my decision to abandon law, sooo I decided to leave that conversation for a later date… 

 

Did you face any challenging conversations? If so, how did you get through them? 

Yes! Both the ‘good’ kind of challenging and the ‘bad’ kind of challenging… 

As a whole, too many conversations could be de-energising because everyone has differing opinions and advice. It was a lot of noise and exhausting to balance and remember all these competing thoughts.

In hindsight, it’s because I didn’t incorporate enough solo reflection (I blame the extrovert in me!). I should have been careful to pause and self-analyse what people shared. Instead, I allowed myself to be consumed by all the different advice, because I felt like such a lost little chicken. But often this made me more stressed and lost!

I also had some challenging conversations of the ‘good kind'. I spoke to an ex-lawyer turned dance/yoga teacher and coach. She warned me of the potential risks and challenges of turning my back on law. I felt both inspired but intimidated by the irreversibility of this decision, should I take it. However this conversation gave me the clarity I needed, I could understand what I was confronting and plan for the risks better.  

My conversation with my parents wasn’t as scary as I thought. I decided not to place a lot of value in my parent’s concerns. I knew it came from a place of wanting safety and security for their daughter. It was caring but financial stability was not an important basis to make a life decision. This made it easier for me to impart some distance between my parent’s reaction and how it affected me. 

“Secondly, always know that even when you aren’t having productive conversations, you never know when or if that conversation might lead to a connection, or idea that will be responsible for your new chapter.”  

 

Since taking on this new adventure, how have your conversations changed? With yourself, with your colleagues, family or friends.

They are much more energising. 

The six months leading up to me quitting was full of uncertainty and stress, which weighed me down. It monopolised my time, my conversations, my headspace.

As a result of the change, I feel more myself. I’m doing something that aligns with me, so I leave the office feeling motivated to spend quality time with myself and really show up for my friends and create more space for them.

 

What conversations does the Sensual Supper Club spark?  

Our vision is to unlock headspace and push peoples boundaries within sexuality, sensuality and spirituality (both for singles and couples).

Our theatrical events are totally immersive and provocative (I can’t give away the secret themes!), which really sets an atmosphere that deconstructs social norms, and encourages people to get off script. We break the ice early on at our events with facilitated interaction, games, performers and conversational cues.

Everything we do at Unforbidden, we do to inspire friendship, romantic connection, community love, love for the self, love for the world, love for the experience, love for Unforbidden. So, really the Sensual Supper Club aims to spark conversations that unlock self-expression around sensuality, sexuality, spirituality and beyond.

 

For others who are wanting to start a new adventure, but are not sure how to broach the conversation with their employers, colleagues, friends or family, what conversational advice would you give?

Speak to as many people as you can! Not just those in the industries that you are interested in but any of your cheerleaders (friends/family etc).

I find people are always flattered when you ask them for advice. Pick those people who have similar values to you, who will challenge you in a loving way, but also support you in tough times.

Secondly, always know that even when you aren’t having productive conversations, you never know when or if that conversation might lead to a connection, or idea that will be responsible for your new chapter.  

I would ask questions that don’t just revolve around someone else’s journey.  Everyone’s path is different. Focus on questions around mindset, motivation, industry tips, and perhaps who they can connect you with etc. 

Conversations allow for engineered serendipity. It’s how I got my job! You have nothing to lose. 

 

Final question, you're a bit of a Trigger Conversations super-fan having attended events for over a year now. Have the events - or conversations with Georgie - had any effect on you?

Oh yeah - HUGE fan! It’s made me soooo much more conscious in conversation.

I appreciate the importance of curiosity (asking good questions), active listening, mirroring, allowing a conversation to flow (rather than forcing it in a direction), and I am better at following strands of conversation rather than being an excitable mess!

With Georgie specifically, she was equally inspiring and grounding in a time where I was such a stress ball! She has a way of encouraging me to identify the source of what was going wrong (when I was losing myself in the process of all this indecision and uncertainty).

My conversation with Georgie helped me to zoom out and really understand what I actually needed. She has a very reflective style that prompts the kind of thinking that is not leading. It’s a conversational super power that I am trying to harness slowly! Trigger has definitely been a game changer for my conversations. 

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How to Transform Your Life? Transform Your Conversations

Conversation is more than an exchange of thoughts and information, it’s an opportunity to transform your world. In this article, Trigger Conversation’s Founder and Director of the Transformational Conversations Programme, Georgie Nightingall, shares three ways you can transform your conversations today.

How to Transform Your Life? Transform Your Conversations

Conversation is more than an exchange of thoughts and information, it’s an opportunity to transform your world. In this article, Trigger Conversation’s Founder and Director of the Transformational Conversations Programme, Georgie Nightingall, shares three ways you can transform your conversations today.


The Time for Change is Now.

However clichéd it is, the turning of the New Year is like the turning of a new chapter – only this story is yours.

And as this New Year swept in with fresh possibility, I wonder what great plans you dreamed up for the next 12 months?

Perhaps for you 2019 is filed with ambitions to get your voice heard at work. Maybe it’s to step out of your comfort zone in order to create the life you crave. Possibly you want to be a more empathetic leader, or find a new job.  Or maybe, you want to reconnect with a family member, find a new tribe or discover real, authentic connection in your relationships. 

Whatever your intention, I know you can fulfill it.

The question is how.

 

Conversation is the Tool for Change – you just don’t know it, yet.

Often when we want to change a situation we turn inwards, using tools like mindfulness, inspirational TED talks or reflection exercises to give us the confidence to ride the wave of change.

However what we forget is that we have the power to collaboratively change it.

How? Through the power of conversation.

That’s because conversation is not just an exchange of information and thought, but an opportunity to transform us. When you engage another in conversation you create a space to experiment with our thoughts, discover new possibilities or get access to different perspectives. Or, as Theodore Zeldin rightly suggests, conversation doesn’t “just reshuffle the cards, it creates new cards.”

For example, if I were searching for a new job I could do two things: research and apply for jobs from my computer and wait till I get a response, or I could engineer serendipity even before I’ve started looking by constantly meeting and connecting with different people. Of course, the latter option can seem daunting, the very bones of networking reek of transaction and agendas …but not if you had the tools to turn any conversation into an opportunity. 

Conversation can also create new cards when you’re feeling lost or unheard. By reaching out with your words to a fellow human you open a door to connection. You become able to untangle your thoughts, able to discover that someone understands how it feels or even find a new solution.

Ultimately, it’s through mastering conversation that you find the spaces where you belong and grow.

How to Transform Your Conversations

So, how can you have transformational conversations?

Georgie Nightingall, Trigger Conversations Founder and Director of the Transformational Conversations Programme, shares her top three tips to change your conversations today.

 

1. Skip the Small Talk

When staff at Pret ask me how I am, I often tell them exactly how I feel in that moment. Usually it goes along the lines of “7.5 / 10”, “caffeine-deprived and needy” or “glorious because I’m on my way to a course and I can’t wait to learn!”.

They’re often surprised, but also quite curious. That’s because I’ve done three things. Firstly I’ve given them an offer to ask me about, “Why 7.5 / 10?”. Secondly I’ve broken the monotonous small talk script. And yes, lastly, I’ve been a bit weird. They engage with it because it’s playful, real and human.

The truth is, people often engage in small talk because it’s expected, not because they care. However, if you want to have more transformational, meaningful conversations then it’s time to shake the energy up and make people feel alive by breaking the script.

Challenge: Create an Offer By Saying Something Different

The next time you are asked a small talk question you can navigate the conversation to something more meaningful or exciting by giving an offer.

In other words, reply in a way that invites your fellow human to respond without having to dig into their ‘book of conversation starters’.

The best offers are genuine and often include a tangent, which is a curiosity for the other person to wonder aloud about. For example, you could respond to “what do you do?” by firstly saying what you do, but secondly explaining why you do what you do or what problem you are solving.

Extra hint: there is no correct answer in a conversation!

 

2. Be Curious

Becoming curious is the most transformational habit you can develop. It’s a mind-set, a fuel that drives exploration and discovery. And it is the cleanest fuel out there because it’s not polluted with a specific agenda. It allows conversations to be organic, unconstrained and free of assumption or judgment.

Being curious is a two-step process: first you notice, then you wonder. When you harness this tool you can begin to uncover meaning by turning your wonderings into a – judgment-free - question or statement.

What does that mean? How does that feel? Why does that happen? What might happen if X occurred?

This is because every moment in time, whatever is happening within it, is an expression of the deeper patterns present in the rest of your life. When you begin to notice these patterns you can then ask questions that reveal something deeper, more meaningful. 

Challenge: Develop Empathetic Curiosity

When someone shares something with you, be curious about what that certain word means to them. Put to the side your interpretation of their meaning or interpretation of the events and instead ask them to say more, to explain what X means or what was it like to experience Y. 

 

3. Go Deep By Sharing First

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like assumptions are being made, people aren’t listening and not being curious? Or perhaps, you’ve wanted to have a deeper conversation, but have felt unsure about what to ask next?

The good news? Going deep in conversation is actually easier than you think. You simply need to make your fellow human feel safe and comfortable to share their real self, and you do this by taking off your own mask and revealing something more personal about yourself.

This is because when you share your thoughts and feelings, you invite your fellow human to join you in a moment of authenticity. It’s the power of reciprocity: if you show me yours, I’ll show you mine!

Don’t forget though, that one of the key tools to going deep in conversation is listening. You can listen for words, values, emotions, what is not being said or their unique way of seeing the world.

Challenge: Ask Questions and Share Yourself

Try going deep slowly by asking questions about what certain concepts or words mean to your fellow human: what their experiences are, a fact about themselves or a hypothetical world they’d like to exist in.

But remember, as you ask questions continue to share parts of yourself that let them know it’s safe to share, and not an interview!

 

There is No Magic Pill. You are the Pill.

There you have it - three powerfully simple tools to start to transform your conversations with others and open yourself to opportunity.

But the truth is, only you can decide to rise to it.

So the question remains - will you take the challenge and start to transform your conversations today?


Curious?

If you’d like to learn more about how we can support and provide you with the tools to transform your conversations, then click for info on our 8-week Transformational Conversations Programme, beginning in February this year.

About the Transformational Conversations Programme

As a team of Conversation and Life Coaches we have designed an 8-week programme that will teach you the art of conversation, connection and curiosity.

From our Conversational Coaches you will gain the tools to authentically have the conversations you crave with family, friends, colleagues or strangers, thereby enabling you to create deeper connection, discover unexpected opportunity or become never unforgettable.

Supported by our Life Coaches, you will look inside to identify and understand the habits and barriers preventing you from connecting more deeply with others and gain the confidence to take greater risks in your conversations.

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